The days after we ended our pregnancy

It has been over three months since I ended my pregnancy. I can say now with hindsight that I have more or less made it through.

The first week was bloody hard. We chose to escape the city and headed to a remote beach a few hours away. During the day we skimmed stones, dawdled on the beach, visited walking tracks and touristy places. In the evenings my husband and I sat with a glass of wine in our hands, often quiet, often upset, talking about how shit life can be across the dinner table. It was a surreal time, it was as though everything slowed down so we could marinate in our sadness.

Being back at work was hard. I went back a week and a day after surgery. The first person I saw from work was in the lift, she asked, “is everything OK with you?” I’d been out of the office for nearly three weeks without much explanation. I thought I would cry then and there. I looked away and said, “yes, fine thanks.” For the first couple of weeks, I was OK maybe one day in three. By OK I mean that I was able to do some work. The other days I stared at the screen, thinking constantly of what had happened. Trying not to cry.

Then I had a meltdown. I was sitting at my desk one Monday and for some reason I was fixated on our loss. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I achieved nothing at work. My anxiety grew. I couldn’t continue like this, I had billable hours to meet. My boss would lose his patience and eventually I’d get fired. Surely. I panicked. I decided I needed time out. I didn’t know how much time.

I talked to my husband and my close friends, they told me to be brave and to talk to my boss. So I did. And he was fine with my taking some time out. But then I faltered. It was as though the fact of telling my boss lifted an immense weight off my shoulders and all of a sudden I felt like I was able to keep working. What a mess I was.

And so here I am. I didn’t take any time off after all. I have terrible days filled with anxiety and sadness, and then great days where I feel a bit like the old me. It’s a process  I suppose.

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4 thoughts on “The days after we ended our pregnancy

  1. I’m so sorry for your losses. No one should have to go through this. We have just terminated a much wanted pregnancy because of Down syndrome diagnosis so I know how gut wrenching it is. 4 rounds of IVF and passed the 12 week hurdle to find this diagnosis and subsequent termination at 13 weeks. Hardest few weeks of my life. Big hugs to you xx

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    1. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss also, and it must be so devastating after four rounds of IVF, I can’t imagine. I don’t know if you have found the Facebook page Ending a Wanted Pregnancy, but I found that it (and writing this blog) kept me upright at the worst of times. Hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Your comment hits home with me even more now that we have been through IVF as well. I don’t know how we get through these things sometimes! I’m so sorry to read that your loss was following four rounds of IVF, it’s almost incomprehensibly crap xx

      Liked by 1 person

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